Journeying together

Where do I even begin? I've been having a few problems in school. Not that anybody was horrible or intentionally rude but basically, a few issues that arose had made teaching suddenly extremely difficult and stressful. Of course, it was always a little bit stressful because it's still all arguably new and there is a lot of it. However, the issue was somewhat resolved in the last day as there were diplomatic discussions and compromises made. Then again, a new week always brings new challenges. There was some misunderstanding with my parents and things going on in the office which I rather stupidly got involved with this morning when I made my phone call to them. I had almost rolled my eyes when I finally got out of Uni to find myself being sprayed with rain. Perhaps most ridiculously of all, even though loads of people have well-intentionally offered help towards various aspects of stuffs going on in my life, it has been the most frustrating thing trying to reply everyone from all directions about things that don't REALLY matter and yet, they do. I feel even worse at the thought of being ungrateful or seeming to be ungrateful. I truly am grateful for all the sincere gestures but I guess it's just that I cannot be dealing with THIS many things at one time just now.

My neighbour will testify to the amount of times that I have just had to sit down and cry. If you really want the truth, I just don't want to go to school any more. I don't want to be have to call people and tell them all sorts of details. I don't want to plan lessons. I don't want to write this ridiculous essay. I don't want to do all this housework and I don't want to have to go back to an empty flat. I don't want to read verses in the Bible that talk about faith and perseverance and trust. (Reading Hebrews at the moment...getting tough) I don't want to hear about how this whole experience is supposed to make me a better Christian. I don't want to hear about how I'll be just fine because God is still in control. What I want right now is for time to jump ahead 2 weeks so that I can be with my parents to celebrate their wedding anniversary just them and I. Sure, it sounds selfish but if you want to know just how I feel right now... that's it.

The great thing about all this is that God knows exactly how I feel. He knows how much I just want to quit. He knows just how annoyed I get at even the smallest things that happen. He knows all those horrible selfish thoughts that I have through each and every day and every moment. You see, this is the only thing that keeps me going... that He knows ALL this and yet He can still bear to look at me and love me and forgive me. And then I realise, He really IS worth it all. It's still unpleasant and there will probably be more tears but as long as He is with me, I do believe that I will be okay. So to those who have consistently and most gently reminded me of this most important fact (and if I have snapped back at you, I am sorry), thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As you are, no doubt, curious about my dad's situation. The radio therapy is now over. He will be going for a check-up this Thursday but other than that, his orders are to get rest, eat well, put more weight on and recover. We were really thankful to the Lord that no side effects were present during the radio therapy though since the last one, a few ulcers had appeared in the back of his throat and mouth which made it more difficult to eat and thus put on weight. This has also meant that he is not getting enough energy which may also be because his body is not digesting the food properly. Therefore, he is physically quite weak and often very tired. As you may imagine, there is also quite a lot of strain on my mum so thank you for your ongoing prayers for them both.

For me, I could most easily complain another two pages though in actual fact, I should be grateful that I haven't had it as bad as some. Reading through Hebrews again these last few days, I'm learning (though slowly) to be grateful for these opportunities that God is giving me to exercise faith. I know that throughout my life, though short in relative terms, I have been abundantly blessed beyond what I deserve. In short, I have been spoilt. I had hoped that this placement would be "easier" given that I had some experience from the last placement and also that this school is probably seen as "better". Of course, a different placement in reality mostly means a new set of challenges. Yes, there have been tears and not a few at that but He has not taken me further than where His grace can sustain me. To be sure, you may think I sound quite calm on this blog but you'd have to talk to a few people close to me to find just what happens on one of those crazy school days. Indeed, I give thanks to God for my neighbour and a few close friends who have been just such an incredible support and reminder of God's un-diminishing love.

Well, as the title reads, it's 19 days till I fly to Singapore. 20 days till I see my parents. 21 days till we can celebrate together God's continuing faithfulness in holding their marriage in His hands. Tomorrow, however crazy or calm, is just one step closer and praise God for this hope. Not only hope towards seeing my parents but The Hope that we have in Christ, that we will be with Him in eternity. May I never lose sight of His glorious promise!