The Light that Cuts the Darkness
Well, it's been a tough week overall with generally a huge lack of sleep on every night for different reasons. Beware, if you plan to call our house (or my mobile) after 8:30pm (it sounds early but believe you me), I will suggest that emailing is a far better option. Though I was quite tired even by Tuesday, my first full lesson went really well, as my mentor told me, but it seemed to be a downward spiral from that point onwards. Just one more night of about 4 hours sleep was probably the critical mistake as I woke up on Wednesday morning the grumpiest person in the world. I had even let myself sleep in till 5am (instead of the regular 4:30)!
Even through my "devotional" time, and I put inverted commas because the focus was most definitely not devoted to God but to myself, I was complaining all about how there wasn't enough time to sleep, not enough time to eat, not enough time to do all those assignments, all that planning, all the non-academic related work and the list easily continues. In walks dad, and before I go there, I also have to give HUGE credit to my mum. God has blessed me with the most wonderful parents I could ever ask for. My mum, for the whole week, has been getting up around 4:10 in the morning just to go downstairs, turn on my coffee machine and then head back to bed just so when I come out of the shower and head down to the kitchen, there's a pot of coffee all read to be drunk! I don't even get to thank her until the evening, by which time I have usually forgotten her small gesture of love! Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, in walks dad. He looks at me says good morning and if at all, I mumble something that doesn't sound even remotely cheerful. He proceeds to make a sandwich, wraps it up carefully in clingfilm and places it in a little plastic bag. Yup, it was for me. By this time of the week, I had given up trying to make myself lunch because it wasn't unusual that I just don't find time to eat or I just lose my appetite in general. Anyway, when I eventually put it in my bag and started to head for the door in an attempt to catch my 6:32AM 264 bus, my dad walked me to the top of the stairs, kissed me on the cheek and waved me off.
What happened to me next may or may not be what you expect. I cried. Yup. All the way to school, I could not for the life of me stop those tears from leaving my eyes. Though I tried really hard to conceal my face, the guy sitting next to me on the bus probably thought I was either really strange, really pathetic or perhaps ill. Maybe it was because I was just so exhausted or maybe it was the intense guilt in knowing that my dad, with a medical appointment, may have a harder day ahead than I. Whatever the main reason, I just felt so wrong. Funny really, because I had just read John 8. It was as if the light turned on and I saw the ugliness of what I was (reminded me also of what I had recently read in the 'We Would See Jesus' book by Roy & Revel Hession). In contrast to that, here was the divine beauty of the glory of Christ. Where there is light, there is no darkness. The two cannot coexist and yet, Jesus didn't come to condemn but to call us into his light that we may reflect His beauty (John 8:11-12).
Before you think that the rest of my day was like floating in the clouds, you can think again. It was awful! Everything went wrong. My powerpoints disappeared, I couldn't find the equipment I needed to teach the class what I had planned, I forgot to write down a full plan... and so it goes. Yes, it is times like this where the challenge is to discover the truth of Romans 8:28. When I thought about it, tempted once again to complain about how it feels too hard, too stressful, too... I thought, it is too much for WHO to handle? For me, well, obviously but for God, certainly not! The truth of that verse becomes apparent when they that love God experience the love of God and God is good!
I guess in summary, as I have waffled on quite a bit and I pray you forgive me, the things that stood out for me this week were these:
1) As I want to grow in Christ, these challenges don't get easier but increase. His piercing light shines, exposing our weakness and our need of Him.
2) It is for my benefit as they provide opportunities for God to be God in and through me, if only I allow Him to be. This is the opportunity for me to reflect His glory, being moulded ever more into His likeness, bringing His light to the world.
3) This is a reminder of His great goodness, amazing grace, unfailing love and divine glory. He is the light! Gloriously beautiful, graciously warm!
On those days when you too feel overwhelmed with exhaustion, stress, fear, anxiety, or whatever else, know not only that God still loves you but take the time to get to know this God of love and then experience all that He is. 'Jesus said to them, "I assure you: Before Abraham was, I AM."'- John 8:58
